When Relationships Go Wrong         

As I reflected on this week's Gospel reading from Mark 10:2-16, I was reminded how 'life' confronts us with a variety of human social issues. Some of these arise out of our relationships with other human beings. These may include the people we live with, or work with, or those who have been part of our past. Mark introduces this topic in his Gospel by having Jesus leaving the familiarity of his home town in Galilee to 'walk on new ground' in the the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And it is there amongst a different group of people compared to the critical religious leaders of Jerusalem that he begins to broach the very personal topic of how we develop and use the gift of human relationships, and what do we do when relationships begin to fail? Mark includes Jesus teaching on topics such as human lust, inappropriate touching and divorce – all seemingly perennial human problems – which reminded me of a story I came across by Dr Kenneth Boa who is a writer, teacher, speaker, and a mentor.

It is a story about two identical twin sisters who married two identical twin brothers. Not long after their joint weddings, the brothers went off to war, and both fought together, and both suffered gross facial disfigurement from a fuel dump explosion. After their initial hospitalisation and cosmetic surgery, they were sent home to be nursed by their respective wives. Their burns had caused both brothers to lose their original facial features.

The reaction of their wives was quite different. One could not bear to look at her disfigured husband and busied herself around the home, avoiding her husband as much as possible. Eventually, as the relationship broke down, she left and divorced him due to 'irreconcilable differences'.

The other wife made a different choice. She spent most of her husband's waking time beside his bed, holding his hand, and learning to look beyond the scarred face to the man she had fallen in love with and married. Then one morning, she knelt beside his bedside and asked him if he would like to renew their wedding vows. She now knew that while the outer man was different, he was still the same person inside, seen with the eyes of her soul.

Boa suggests, that we all have an innate ability to 'see' beyond the visible externals and to gaze upon what is unseen within another person when we learn to look with the eyes of our soul. We also have the same potential to 'see' beyond the physical world to the hidden spiritual presence within all things. And as we learn to see creation, including human life, in this way:

God becomes very real to us in our inmost centre because we are engaged in an intuitive personal relationship with an infinite, personal God.

 As I reflected on this Gospel reading, I thought of Boa's quote above, because it seemed to me that discerning God's call is not always straight forward – nor easy for us to understand or experience¹. The Benedictine Sister, Anita Louise Lowe offers us some help here when she suggested there are Four basic steps that may help us with our discernment:

 First we need to become aware of what is actually happening in our human, day to day life – and also in our spiritual/devotional life. This may not be as easy nor automatic as we may think, because we need to also include the events we are struggling with or may have contributed to where we are now in our spiritual/devotional life. If so, you may also find the following exercise will help you to clarify what is actually unfolding for you.

Reflect on any feelings that arises from this situation. How has this event affected you? How does it affect other people in your family, social, or workplace group? It may be helpful (and sometimes essential) that you talk the situation with someone you trust and whose wisdom your respect – it may be an experienced Spiritual Director or Counsellor for example.

 Make a decision, then look for confirmation – we need to be adaptable – and sometimes creative in doing this – because we do not always see nor understand everything that has been involved in the situation you are facing.

 And remember that for us to hear, or even to become aware of God's call, involves an openness of of heart and mind. I remember my father often quoting the proverb – “There are 'none so deaf as those who wont hear” when he asked me to do something (which I had forgotten to do) and especially when I offered the excuse “I didn't hear you, Dad!” .

Learning to listen, and to hear what is being said, whether by a person or by God – (or even to ourselves) – is a skill that begins with a willingness of heart and often includes:

1. taking the time to be still,

2. a willingness to be open and receptive

 3. and the willingness to learn to respond to the whispers and the nudges of your heart.

When we look at the life of Jesus in the gospels, we find before every major decision Jesus would go off alone to pray. He did this prior to choosing the 12 apostles, or in preparation for his Passion and death. It's similar for us – we also need time to be alone, so that we may learn to sense and recognise God’s voice in the whispers of our heart and mind, and in the wisdom and experience we have accumulated over the years – but also in the opinion of those who know us well and whose wisdom we trust.

The Jesuit, Paul Campbell once observed, “the risk of 'mere busyness, will often divorced us from the realities of God's creation” but he also went on to say”

When I sense my life is held in God's hands,

and I am in an intimate relationship with Christ,

I am capable of approaching all of reality

from a contemplatives perspective,

no matter how many things I have to work on during the day.²

The art is learning to hear God's voice echoing in mine

that brings light and peace into my life.” 

 

 Learning to listen is the first step. The second is to discern 

what we have sensed – which is often a two-way street. That

 is why people who know us well can often help us to sort, sift 

and reflect on our options and choices, and on our strengths 

and hazards. They can also encouraged and support us to be 

open to the God who created us and who continuously asks 

each of us individually, as Jesus asked of Andrew and the 

other disciple in John's Gospel, “What are you seeking?”

Kia mau te rongo me te pai ki a koe i to haerenga

May you find peace and goodwill on your journey.

Phil

Footnotes:

1. See Luke 4:28-29

2. Retrieved from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com