When Relationships Go Wrong         

As I reflected on this week's Gospel reading from Mark 10:2-16, I was reminded how 'life' confronts us with a variety of human social issues. Some of these arise out of our relationships with other human beings. These may include the people we live with, or work with, or those who have been part of our past. Mark introduces this topic in his Gospel by having Jesus leaving the familiarity of his home town in Galilee to 'walk on new ground' in the the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. And it is there amongst a different group of people compared to the critical religious leaders of Jerusalem that he begins to broach the very personal topic of how we develop and use the gift of human relationships, and what do we do when relationships begin to fail? Mark includes Jesus teaching on topics such as human lust, inappropriate touching and divorce – all seemingly perennial human problems – which reminded me of a story I came across by Dr Kenneth Boa who is a writer, teacher, speaker, and a mentor.

It is a story about two identical twin sisters who married two identical twin brothers. Not long after their joint weddings, the brothers went off to war, and both fought together, and both suffered gross facial disfigurement from a fuel dump explosion. After their initial hospitalisation and cosmetic surgery, they were sent home to be nursed by their respective wives. Their burns had caused both brothers to lose their original facial features.

The reaction of their wives was quite different. One could not bear to look at her disfigured husband and busied herself around the home, avoiding her husband as much as possible. Eventually, as the relationship broke down, she left and divorced him due to 'irreconcilable differences'.

The other wife made a different choice. She spent most of her husband's waking time beside his bed, holding his hand, and learning to look beyond the scarred face to the man she had fallen in love with and married. Then one morning, she knelt beside his bedside and asked him if he would like to renew their wedding vows. She now knew that while the outer man was different, he was still the same person inside, seen with the eyes of her soul.

Boa suggests, that we all have an innate ability to 'see' beyond the visible externals and to gaze upon what is unseen within another person when we learn to look with the eyes of our soul. We also have the same potential to 'see' beyond the physical world to the hidden spiritual presence within all things. And as we learn to see creation, including human life, in this way:

God becomes very real to us in our inmost centre because we are engaged in an intuitive personal relationship with an infinite, personal God.

 As I reflected on this Gospel reading, I thought of Boa's quote above, because it seemed to me that discerning God's call is not always straight forward – nor easy for us to understand or experience¹. The Benedictine Sister, Anita Louise Lowe offers us some help here when she suggested there are Four basic steps that may help us with our discernment:

 First we need to become aware of what is actually happening in our human, day to day life – and also in our spiritual/devotional life. This may not be as easy nor automatic as we may think, because we need to also include the events we are struggling with or may have contributed to where we are now in our spiritual/devotional life. If so, you may also find the following exercise will help you to clarify what is actually unfolding for you.

Reflect on any feelings that arises from this situation. How has this event affected you? How does it affect other people in your family, social, or workplace group? It may be helpful (and sometimes essential) that you talk the situation with someone you trust and whose wisdom your respect – it may be an experienced Spiritual Director or Counsellor for example.

 Make a decision, then look for confirmation – we need to be adaptable – and sometimes creative in doing this – because we do not always see nor understand everything that has been involved in the situation you are facing.

 And remember that for us to hear, or even to become aware of God's call, involves an openness of of heart and mind. I remember my father often quoting the proverb – “There are 'none so deaf as those who wont hear” when he asked me to do something (which I had forgotten to do) and especially when I offered the excuse “I didn't hear you, Dad!” .

Learning to listen, and to hear what is being said, whether by a person or by God – (or even to ourselves) – is a skill that begins with a willingness of heart and often includes:

1. taking the time to be still,

2. a willingness to be open and receptive

 3. and the willingness to learn to respond to the whispers and the nudges of your heart.

When we look at the life of Jesus in the gospels, we find before every major decision Jesus would go off alone to pray. He did this prior to choosing the 12 apostles, or in preparation for his Passion and death. It's similar for us – we also need time to be alone, so that we may learn to sense and recognise God’s voice in the whispers of our heart and mind, and in the wisdom and experience we have accumulated over the years – but also in the opinion of those who know us well and whose wisdom we trust.

The Jesuit, Paul Campbell once observed, “the risk of 'mere busyness, will often divorced us from the realities of God's creation” but he also went on to say”

When I sense my life is held in God's hands,

and I am in an intimate relationship with Christ,

I am capable of approaching all of reality

from a contemplatives perspective,

no matter how many things I have to work on during the day.²

The art is learning to hear God's voice echoing in mine

that brings light and peace into my life.” 

 

 Learning to listen is the first step. The second is to discern 

what we have sensed – which is often a two-way street. That

 is why people who know us well can often help us to sort, sift 

and reflect on our options and choices, and on our strengths 

and hazards. They can also encouraged and support us to be 

open to the God who created us and who continuously asks 

each of us individually, as Jesus asked of Andrew and the 

other disciple in John's Gospel, “What are you seeking?”

Kia mau te rongo me te pai ki a koe i to haerenga

May you find peace and goodwill on your journey.

Phil

Footnotes:

1. See Luke 4:28-29

2. Retrieved from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com

 

St Michael and All Angels

This coming Sunday, September 29^th, is the Feast of St Michael and All Angels. The origin of this celebration dates back to 5^th century, although the earliest surviving mention of St Michael was in Jewish writings of the third and second-century-BC.

St Michael is one of only three angels mentioned by name in the Bible –and the name 'Michael' means “the one who is like God. His name also occurs only three times in the Old Testament book of Daniel⁽¹⁾ and twice in the New Testament: once in the letter of Jude (v 9), and once in the book of Revelation⁽²⁾. The other two named angels mentioned in the Bible are Gabriel and Raphael. This meant it was only until popular, late Jewish and early Christian devotion that a growing appreciation of Michael's role and place within Christian devotion flourished and considered him to be the greatest of all the angels.⁽³⁾

Such popularity soon led to a variety of customs and beliefs and these have continued to grow over the following centuries. It became common in the medieval period, for example, for people to dress up as knights and dragons and re-enact the battle of St Michael defeating the Dragon or to celebrate other local customs and traditions that became associated with St Michael.

Because of this growing popularity of St Michael it wasn't long before numerous churches throughout the world chose to name and place their church under the patronage and prayers of St Michael and All Angels.⁽²⁾ This growing popularity resulted in:

• The formal naming of September 29^th as St Michael and All Angels' Day and setting it aside as a special day of rest and it also carried the expectation that the faithful to attend Church and abstain from work and recreation.

• Other more domestic and local customs also started to occur. For example, roast goose (which was a luxury food in medieval times) became the standard food for St Michael's day .

• Because St Michael's day fell at the beginning of the Northern Autumn, and the start of the academic year, increasing number of English Universities and schools began to refer to the new term of study as the Michaelmas term.

• And because 'St Michael's day also coincided with the northern harvest season, it soon became customary for people to offer special acts of charity and goodwill to the poor in their community.

• For those living in the Southern hemisphere other themes and customs began to appear, such as the importance for developing one's personal spiritual wisdom, or the emphasis on personal and environmental gratitude and protection.

But for us now, how does this mediaeval festival resonate with us? I live in New Zealand, in a time when attending Sunday Services is on the decline. However, scattered across our country we still have a number of Churches dedicated to St Michael. While attendance may not be what they were in the past, they still stand as silent reminders of this festival day, and perhaps they also give us pause to reflect on the ways that we have been protect, guarded and blessed by God grace – not just for our own sake, but that we might become channels of God's love and grace to others as this day has been for many people of the past. For example:

Angels are messengers – and in scripture they announced to Elizabeth that she would give birth to John the Baptist; and the Archangel Gabriel visited also to Mary tell her that she will give birth to Jesus. I wonder what God is wanting to say to us? What is God seeking to birth within us?

Angels are worshippers – what do you value most in your life? How do you express your feelings of reverence and adoration?

Angels are defenders – Traditionally, they guard us against harm, both physical and spiritual. Whom do we need to protect, or to support, or love and care for?

Perhaps we might also remember the encouragement people have found in Michael the Archangel – and perhaps we too might also recognise the importance in today's changing world a willingness to offer support and protection to those who are most vulnerable, and to those who are struggling in our local community.

Kia mau te rongo me te pai ki a koe i to haerenga

May you find peace and goodwill on your journey.

Phil

_____________________________

(1) Daniel 10:21 & 12:1

(2) Revelation Chapter 12: 7-

(3) Richard Freeman Johnson (2005), Saint Michael the Archangel in medieval English legend, Boydell

Press, p. 105, ISBN 1-84383-128-7, retrieved 11 July 2010

Who Is The Greatest?

This week's Gospel reading comes from Mark 9:30-37 where Jesus foretells his death and resurrection. However the disciples fail to appreciate what he is saying and begin to argue over which one of them is the greatest. Jesus responds with great sensitivity as he takes a little child and says that whoever welcomes one such child (in his name) welcomes both Christ and also the God of creation. It is not so much about who we are – rather it is about our values and the way we live these out in our day to day life.

In his book 'Practicing Compassion in a Violent World' Frank Rogers ⁽¹⁾ illustrates this principle by relating the story of a man named Raul Torres who lived in a small town in USA. One night his wife tragically died in her sleep from a stroke. Understandably, life came to an abrupt stop for Raul. He was naturally filled with grief and decided to would retire from the world and filled his days instead sitting for hours on his porch in the seat his wife had used. Then one day he decided rather than simply sitting, remembering and grieving for his wife, he would do something creative and turn his garden into a memorial garden in memory of her.

It was a slow task but he finally transformed his section into a fabulous display of flowers, herbs and vegetables. He saved the best for the front garden which he filled with beautiful roses – his wife's favourite flower. He also discovered, through the transformation of his garden, a whole new focus for his life.

Then one morning he was horrified to discover that someone had destroyed several of his rose bushes. Then two days later it happened again. He was naturally distraught and began to keep watch from his front window. It wasn't long before he saw a local lad, from a family with many social and gang related issues, slowly limp along the footpath towards his house. When he reached Roul's garden he used his walking stick to attack another of the rose bushes. When the boy looked up and saw Roul watching him from his window, he simply stared back before quickly limping away.

Roul's instinct was to chase him, or to call the police. However, Roul also noticed the haunted look in the boy's eyes. It gave Roul pause to stop and think on whether there was a better and more creative way to handle the situation.

Later that afternoon, Roul saw the boy limping back up the street and went out to meet him. The boy glared at Roul, and when Roul said someone was destroying his rose bushes, the boy insisted it wasn't him. Roul said to the boy that he wasn't blaming him – rather that he needed someone to help him to protect the roses. He also needed someone to help him with his garden. He was willing to pay the boy and let him have an area of his garden that he could use for himself, and would show him how to grow plants and vegetables, if he was interested.

The boy didn't commit himself but the next Saturday he arrived, and in the end, stayed for most of the day when Roul paid and thanked him for his time. The next Saturday the boy was back, and he kept coming every Saturday – and the roses were never vandalized again. The boy is now an adult and runs an inner city youth programme that offers kids an alternative to gang life.

Compassion, says Rogers, is a spiritual path that flows from the knowledge that:

1) we are all held in the sacred presence of God's Compassion

2) with all our failures and imperfections, God loves us totally and unconditionally

3) God invites us to be part of that compassionate healing force that can renew the life of our world.

Rogers suggests that compassion has a 2 stage process that begins first with us as we allow ourselves to become grounded when faced with a challenging situation by;

1. Stopping – pausing - catching our breath – and not reacting

2. Becoming aware of our own reaction

3. Seeking to understand what is happening, and extending a loving attention to the situation

4. Then widening our attention to God's healing, helping, presence that surrounds you as you seek to embody that presence

Only then are we able to meaningfully ask:

What is going on for that other person – as we learn to see their reaction as their cry of pain. For when we have reconnected with God's love in us are we enabled to become a channel of understanding, and loving regard towards them as God's presence is enabled to flow through us to the person in some practical way. More importantly, we need to remember that this is a way of small steps.

In today's Gospel reading we hear how the disciples learn from Jesus that he will be betrayed, arrested, and die. They naturally reacted with fear. What would the future hold in store for them – what happen to them when Jesus was no longer with them? They had left everything to follow him. Should they run and hide now, or wait to be killed​? In their confusion and fear they were afraid to ask Jesus and so they turned inward and argued with one another about who was the greatest?

But what did Jesus do? He didn't criticise them for their fear, their uncertainty or lack of commitment. He sat down and talked to them, and he took a child that was playing near them and used the child as a focus. Whatever will happen – Jesus promises them – I will never leave you – I will always be with you, because “I am” is already within you! And I will always come to you – perhaps under guise of another person, yet all you need to do is to be aware and open your eyes, and your mind, for I am with you always (Matthew 28:20) – or to quote a Sufi saying:

When the mystery of God is revealed to you,

you will understand that God has always been in you....

Then you will see all your actions to be His actions

and your essence to be His essence....

There is nothing except His Face, for

"whithersoever you turn, there you will see the Face of God."

Kia mau te rongo me te pai ki a koe i to haerenga May you find peace and goodwill on your journey.

Phil

(1) Frank Rogers was the Professor of Spiritual Formation at Claremont School of Theology

 

The Things That Limit Us

No doubt all of us have at some point in our life have felt like an outsider. We may have decided to go to a public meeting because the topic caught your interest, only to discover no one welcomed you – or even stopped to talk to you! You most probably left feeling “That was a waste of time!”

If you have ever had that kind of experience, it may be of some comfort to know that research has discovered about a third of the population have also experienced a similar situation.

Professor Naomi Eisenberger (University of California, L.A.) has discovered from her research that the experience of social rejection, exclusion (or loss) are generally considered to be some of the most painful experiences that we may endure”

I mention this by way of introduction to this reflection on the Gospel reading for the 8^th of September, 2024, where Mark records the story of Jesus interaction with the Syrophoenician Woman. The unnamed woman had approached Jesus seeking healing for her daughter (Mark 7:24-37). Initially Jesus rejects her but because of her persistence, Jesus finally heals her daughter.

There are alternative versions of this story in Matthew's Gospel and Elaine Wainwright, the former Richard Maclaurin Goodfellow Professor in Theology at the University of Auckland, has suggested that it wasn't the woman who took the initiative to seek out Jesus – it was Jesus who sought her and this twist in interpretation opens a whole different way to understand this story. Suddenly the space in which Jesus and the woman met became a sacred space where time stood still as the holy and the human met face to face. And while the woman's daughter was healed by Jesus, God's inclusive grace suddenly is affirmed as having no limits as both the woman and her daughter both find healing and new freedom from the restrictions and limitations that society and formalized religion had so easily inflict upon the wounded and outcast.

In many ways this story is also a story about the limitations our society, or our religion, or our culture quietly place upon us. Yet these limitations are only perceived limitations which we inflict upon ourselves. We do this by the way we live, or by the company we choose, or by our attitudes towards others, for example. Such attitudes and silent thoughts will inevitably end up affecting our life and the way we live.

However, the Good News of this story is that the Syrophenician woman refused to be limited by her ethnicity, or by her widowed status, or by the attitudes of others towards her. Her courage to seek out Jesus and her determination to challenge Jesus initial reticence to heal her daughter, reminds us also that whatever thoughts, beliefs or excuses we may make, these will inevitably carry their own history and may well go on to shape our future!

However, this story carries it own footnote.

While Mark did not give us the woman's name – perhaps he did this deliberately. Because, deep inside our human psyche we also are born with a indwelling longing to encounter that sacred space where time will stand still for us. However, it takes courage to allow the holy and the human to meet within us, face to face. We see this illustrated in the unnamed woman as she met with Jesus. In the encounter she received fresh insight of the world in which she and her daughter lived. This fresh insight enabled her to discover a fresh vision of her future as the holy and the human met face to face. It took courage and the woman had courage. May we also have the courage to respond to the ways Jesus seeks to enter our personal world as we allow the holy and the human to meet within us, face to face.

Kia mau te rongo me te pai ki a koe i to haerenga

May you find peace and goodwill on your journey.

Phil